As I was chasing my son around the garden trying to get him indoors for bedtime I had a flashback of my childhood.

Sunday evenings were bathtime, which my sister and I hated because our mum used to scrub our scalps so hard we thought they'd bleed. Every Sunday, without fail, the neighbours would hear our shrieks as we hid from mum who was shouting at us. We'd hide in the long grass at the top of the garden which would have been a great hiding place were it not for the fact we hid there EVERY single week! Mum would come after us wielding a wooden spoon (panic not, it was never used!)

It must have been really annoying for mum knowing it was going to happen each time but to me & my sister it seemed like a great laugh. Now I know how exasperated my mum must have been.

No matter how many times you say you'll never turn into your parents or do things the way they did inevitably some things are the same generation after generation.

I didn't have the easiest of childhoods but it's rather pleasant to see my children doing some of the things that I did as a child (only the nice bits of course!) It's memories like this that make it all worthwile.

I'd been feeling so positive for sometime and now I seem to have come back down to earth with a horrendous bump.

I'm a negative person by nature so it's very difficult to be positive so I'd been rather smug about my cheerful moods. It seemed like such a big achievement but now I just feel despondent and disappointed with everything.

I'm not entirely sure why I feel like I do but it all started on Friday.

Molly started the morning off in a grump. After we'd taken her to school Charlie and I went into town to run a few errands but he was so badly behaved, the worst for a long time. He nearly had me in tears in M&S and I was getting so stressed. I cancelled plans to meet Nigel for lunch as I just wanted to get home.

Thankfully he calmed down by the time we got home and spent a little time next door with his cousins. He then fell asleep half an hour before going to collect Molly from school so waking him didn't make him a happy bunny. He screamed all the way to school and the whole time we were there. So embarrassing, no matter how much you know the other mothers have been through the same at some point. He cheered up once we got Molly but then she decided to play up all the way home. I wasn't going to win today!

Nigel was in London so I was alone with the children until late but they went next door with their dinner and I had a peaceful hour alone. It was bliss. When they came home the three of us got changed and all climbed into my bed and it was the most relaxed part of the day.

Yesterday wasn't so bad but the children's behaviour easily wound me up. Today they were mostly well behaved. We walked from Pakefield to Lowestoft and back again with Nigel's family and it was a lovely day but I just feel so low.

I wish I knew why, then I could deal with it. Other than Friday, I've been having some really good days and have been keeping busy. I love helping out at the school, which is twice a week at the moment, I have a couple of other things in the pipeline and I should feel as though I am actually doing something other than just being a mum and wife but it doesn't feel that way.

What is wrong with me???

Where did the weekend go?

We had a lovely weekend. Not too busy but it went so quickly. On Saturday we went to see my Nanna and spent the afternoon at my aunt's. We saw her allotment and they've done really well. It makes me even more determined to grow more veg next year. We had a few carrots, cabbages, potatoes, cucumbers, tomatoes and lettuces but I'd like to grow more. Charlie enjoys helping me on the garden, so does Molly, so we can do it together. It's fun, and education for the children If only Nigel was one for gardening.

Last night I finally joined the Rosemary Conley Diet & Fitness club. Sadly though I couldn't stay for the exercise class as I wasn't well. I'm keen to do well although looking at the next fortnight's plan I realise it's going to be very tough. It's called Fat Attack Fortnight and although there are 14 days of meal ideas it's quite limited for someone as fussy as me. I'm just hoping that in 2 weeks time there'll be more variety in the diet. I joined RCDFC instead of rejoining Slimming World as I thought having the exercise class with the diet class was a great idea and would motivate me to exercise. I'm really not one for the gym.

I'm already sitting here hungry but I know I need to give it a few days for my stomach to readjust and get used to not snacking. I'll just have to drink more to fill up. I bought diet coke instead of non diet this morning and it's a big step for me. It may not seem like it to others! I have to make a big adjusment to my food and calorie intake and I need to change my state of mind regarding food. I like my food too much, particularly chocolate, and ice cream at the moment.

I just have to stop thinking about food and I'll be fine!!

I must be doing something right.....

It's been a busy week and it's hard to believe that it's already Friday.

Molly has been having a few problems at school again and that's been occupying my mind a lot. It's not quite as bad as it was when she first start but it's the same girl in her class. I think I just have to accept that she's a bossy little madam and sees Molly as easy prey because she's so quiet and rarely sticks up for herself. I've told Molly that she doesn't need friends like that but I guess she'll realise that in her own time. Sadly I can't always fight my children's battles or choose their friends.

On Thursday evening she had her first session at Rainbows and seemed to enjoy it. I think it will do her good to have friends away from her school and hopefully it will build her confidence up.

On Wednesday I helped out at Molly's school. I never realised how much hard work it was being a teacher! I came home very tired but feeling really satisfied and pleased with what I'd done. It's going to be a regular thing hopefully and can be fitted in with Charlie being at preschool. Although I wasn't helping Molly's group I still got to see her 'at work' and it became apparent that she's a bit of a Dolly Daydream! Her teacher expressed her gratitude to me a lot of times and it was lovely to be so appreciated.

This week I have been complimented twice on how well and healthy I look. Today I was wearing my gardening clothes and had really skanky hair but was so grateful to hear the compliment! I'm feeling really positive with my life at the moment and have realised that I need to keep busy and keep my mind ticking over to keep happy. I'm going to look into more volunteer opportunities that I can fit in with Charlie, Molly and home. I'm also joining the Rosemary Conley diet & fitness club on Monday to give me a focus on losing weight and getting fit. I'd ideally like to lose 4 stone but will take it steady and aim for a stone a time. If my goals are really high I get defeatist really easily.

My highlights this week (other than the compliments) were Charlie telling me 'I love you Mum' (all together now......awwwww) and letting my hair down, running around Play 2 Day with the children and Molly's school friend on Wednesday evening. We were the last ones there and I just went mental climbing up the frames and coming down the slides!!! I really felt it the next day though :(

Back to normal already, well almost.

It seems like the summer holidays are weeks behind us. Just 3 days back at school and I feel like we're back into routine. I haven't yet figured out whether that's a good thing or bad.

Last week didn't end well as I was ill on Friday and Saturday. It was almost entirely my own fault. I still have a virus but I had forgotten to take my medication for 3 days. Extremely inadvisable as it was like going 'cold turkey'. It was awful, and a mistake I've made twice recently and won't be doing again.

It's made me wonder though. If the pills are that strong that they can make you ill so quickly when you've missed a couple (well, alright 3) how addicted to them is my body? I thought that I was ready to stop taking them, but clearly not. It's got me quite concerned about the effects they are having.

I felt much improved and brighter on Sunday and the in laws took the children o the Suffolk Punch show at easton Farm Park. They were there all day and had a great time. The children were shattered and went to bed with minimum fuss. Yay!

This meant Nigel and I had the day together. We went shopping and had lunch out, which is a rare treat for us. We chose a restaurant that looked child-unfriendly and had a peaceful roast dinner. It was divine. I was exhausted after this and think I had done too much too soon but needed to push myself to get out of the doldrums.

Charlie had his first day back at preschool today and all went surprisingly well. I spent my child-free time having a good spring clean of the house. It was a very productive morning and although I still have more to do the house finally looks a little more presentable and tidy.

Mum came round in time to get Charlie from preschool and then we had lunch together. She took Charlie for a walk while I finished the housework and then we met at Molly's school.

I have been considering, for a while, what I'd like to do with my time now. I really enjoyed being part of the Heart features and feel a little empty now it's finished so I have a couple of things lined up. I've decided to volunteer as I'll be able to discover what I do or don't enjoy without too much commitment, unlike a job. I'm going to deliver the Martlesham Monthly, which will only take an hour or so a month and I'm going to be helping out in Molly's class every Wednesday morning. I'd love to help out at Charlie's preschool more often as I think I'd like a career in childcare but he doesn't behave at all when I'm there! I'm also considering taking a more active part in the fundraising for Molly's school.

In May I organised a fundraiser in aid of Barnardo's and tonight I finally totted up the figures. I'm really pleased to say that we raised £693. I also organised the Big Toddle at preschool which so far has raised over £100 for Barnardo's. Barnardo's is a charity very close to my heart, more of which another time. I have considered a fundraising post as something to do.

This week or next I'm going to join a slimming/exercise class as I need some incentive to lose a lot of weight. I can't do anything of high impact due to hip dysplasia so I can't run/jog etc but these classes are low impact and can be as gentle as I wish.

Wednesday

Well, it's here...the last day of the summer holidays.

We had a slow start to the morning as we'd decided to go to Play 2 Day in Martlesham. I got a little bit of housework done and the children played outside. We cycled up to Play 2 Day but only had a couple of hours up there as Charlie was tired. Lunch was nothing special, as is usually expected in indoor play centres but Molly enjoyed it. When we got home we put a dvd on and Charlie and I had a nap.

Kelly came around for our last interview and video. The children had been really quiet until Kelly arrived and then all hell broke loose. They went mental! They seem to love showing off as soon as the mic or camera are on.

Kelly brought some homemade cupcakes with her and a beautiful orchid as a thank you but it's been such a pleasure taking part in the feature and we didn't expect anything. The cupcakes were delicious and soon devoured!

We tried to get the children to have an early night as Molly was going back to school tomorrow but it didn't work. We expected to have a very grumpy girl on our hands in the morning.

Thursday
Despite Molly's protestations last week about returning to school she seemed quite keen to get to there this morning. Everything went smoothly this morning and I didn't have to hurry her up like usual school mornings. She walked in proudly carrying her summer scrapbook so that she could show her teacher. She asked what time she'd see us again and gave Charlie lots of cuddles and kisses and then off she went.

It was much easier than I expected as 6 weeks is a long time for her to be off school when she'd only started school after Easter and it took her a few weeks to settle in. I didn't get much out of her on the way home but that's usual. She did mention some of the new children that had started today and said that she's been looking after them. During dinner she did get rather grumpy with Charlie and they started fighting. Bedtime was a struggle but I think it's been tiring for her today. Hopefully she'll get a decent night's sleep and she'll be happier tomorrow.

Charlie and I spent the morning playing with his trains and cars and making jigsaws and then he slept for the afternoon (and I had a little nap too!!

Monday
We were due to go to Colne Valley Railway but the children were adamant that they didn't want to go so instead of forcing them we decided to take a trip to Promenade Park in Maldon. They've made a lot of improvements since we last went 5 years ago. The park is by the river and is in a beautiful setting. We didn't walk as far as Hythe Quay but could see the Thames Sailing Barges. There are lots of activities for the children;

Large galleon with slides and climbing equipment
Splash park
Zip slide
Boating and crabbing lake
Sand pits
Petanque
Skateboard Park
BMX park
Fairground rides
Maze and more.

It was extremely busy when we got there and Nigel had to queue for a parking ticket for some time as there were only 2 machines and these were side by side. It seemed as though everyone had chosen Maldon!

The children headed straight for the galleon adventure play and spent a couple of hours on there while Nigel and I sat in the shade relaxing and watching the children. After that we bought lunch from one of the food huts on the park. Food wasn't expensive and it was lovely. We had a look around some more of the park and came across an area of bouncy castles. The children both wanted to go on but we said it was too expensive. You had to buy wristbands at £4 for under 3's and £6.50 for over 3. It would have been okay if they were going to spend all day on the bouncy area but we didn't want to stay in one spot. Instead, we let the children have a fairground ride. It was only a small merry go round and £1 each but it kept them happy!

We then walked further along the park to the boating/crabbing lake. We'd taken the stuff for crabbing and we had great fun catching 78 crabs (mostly tiny ones). It was the first time the children have ever been crabbing and they really liked it so we're going to go again. The lake there was only about 1m deep so I wasn't too concerned about the children being near water.

Molly kept asking to go on the splash park but there was a really long queue all day long. By the time we finished crabbing we had to leave as Nigel's parents were cooking a barbecue for us. It was a really lovely day at Maldon. Beautiful weather, picturesque, lots to see and do, inexpensive. It's just a shame it's not a little closer so that we could go more often.

Tuesday
A rare day at home today. Nigel went back to work and my mum came over to take the children out for a couple of hours so that I could have a break. Well, a break to get on with tidying and cleaning! After lunch Charlie had a nap so Molly and I made a start on her Summer Scrapbook. It wasn't until we started sorting out everything that we've collected that I realised just how busy we've been and how many great places we've been to over the last few weeks. Molly went to a friend's this afternoon so Charlie and I had some time together and we played with his trains.

Tomorrow is the last day before Molly goes back to school and I've promised to take them out. She has asked to go to an indoor play centre so we'll go to Play 2 Day in Martlesham or Snakes & Ladders, which seems to be the favourite choice.

I'm really sad that the holidays are over. It's been wonderful having Molly & Charlie at home every day and being able to take them out. It's not been as difficult as I thought it would be, despite having to get to everywhere by public transport, and the children have been a joy to have around (despite some bad behaviour on occasions). It's also been more of a holiday for me this year. I put the emphasis on having fun and keeping the children happy and have just ignored a lot of the housework. The house is a mess but we've enjoyed ourselves!

I'm also sad that our association with Heart is coming to an end. Being the Heart Family has been great and it was so lovely to meet Kelly (and the Heart Angels) and have her as part of our family for the summer. As nervous as we were about the filming and interviews it's become like second nature to us having the mic and camera around! The children haven't yet got to grips with not having to show off for Kelly after tomorrow as they've grown to love her and will miss her terribly.

Being a stay at home mum means that I'm at home a lot, particularly during the winter, so it's been good for me to get out of the house so often. It's also been great to have a focus with the Heart feature and blog. It's quite theraputic, regardless of how much I ramble on! I'm going to continue the blog so that I can put my thoughts down on paper, so to speak.